The Tree of Konoha's Red Branch of Sin
by Banana Smoozie
Summary: Ignored by his family, and seemingly abandoned, Naruto came to hate the world around him, but soon after could not find it in himself to care. Neglect and the occasional bullying from his sister, aided him to turning to self-harm, which had rolled itself into a pile of emotional baggage with a squishy core of masochism. You know. For that extra bit of good measure.
1. Candy! Pedobears! Cake murder! Oh my!

**Howdy everybody! This is MadmansDeath (Who the fuck else would it be, the three fuckin' piglets?) and I've arrived with a new story for your viewing pleasure and my writing pleasure. Not much to say really, besides enjoy the story, and if you like it, great, if you don't, tell me why. Other than that, fuck all of you. Now go read… Are they still here? What the fuck is wrong with these people? I swear to god if they don't fuck off I'm going to ruin their day so hard, their grand-fucking-children will feel the pain of my foot leaving their mouth after entering their ass.**

 **Name: Naruto Uzumaki**

 **Age: (I don't fucking know! Old enough. There.)**

 **Gender: Male**

 **Position:** **Shinobi**

 **Personality:** **Insane, Quick to self-harm, caring to those that matter to him, shows bipolar tendencies, masochistic, loves cute and cuddly things.**

 **Theme: Like a genre? Um… Fuck if I know, this is just me writing while pulling shit out of my ass. I plan nothing before I write stuff.**

 **History/Bio:** **Ignored by his family, and seemingly abandoned, Naruto came to hate the world around him, but soon after could not find it in himself to care. A lasting effect of the combined parental neglect and the occasional bullying from his sister, coupled with the village hating him, Naruto has been pressed against from all sides leading a life of insanity and depression and a result of that, self-harm, which had rolled itself into a pile of emotional baggage with a squishy core of masochism. His sister holding the majority of the yang half of the kyūbi's chakra, his mother holding small amounts of the yin and yang chakras, and him holding the majority of the kyūbi's yin chakra, led most of the village to hate him, or think him a mindless animal or weapon, most ninja clans and those without clans thinking that the yin chakra had taken him over, due to the fact that yin chakra had been tied to darkness and the mind, while the great majority of the civilians had simply needed something or someone to blame, and saw that the boy had the lesser amount of protection from the hate given to him by his father. Exacerbating the problem, was that the Kyūbi's chakra, had altered both his sister's and his own appearances, cursing him with bushy tails, foxlike ears, claws not unlike the Inuzuka's, and long, sharp canines. While his sister, despite having the physical aspect of the kyūbi's chakra, oddly enough only got whisker marks, red hair a shade darker than most Uzumakis from the history books, longer than average canines, though not as long as his own, and sharper than normal nails. Beyond that, not much else that had been noticeable. Though, it had been speculated that her temper had been a combination of her mother's, Uzumaki genes in general, and the kyūbi's chakra doing something else.**

 **Chapter 1: Candy! Pedobears! Cake murder! Bloodlust! Oh my!**

 **Appearance: White hair (Once blond). Short hair. Spiky hair. Red eyes. Claws. Red tails. Bushy tails. Foxlike ears. Fangs.**

It was quite, and gray spread throughout his vision. He had crumpled into a ball-like form upon the floor. His blood _boiled_. He could feel his blood _grinding_ against his insides. His skin was being burned away from his body from inside-out. At the same time, he felt as though his blood was still, taking away his circulation, freezing him. He felt like he was holding his breath whilst trying to force himself to exhale, only to fail in releasing the carbon collecting in his lungs…

It was so… cold… there was so much pain… his skin was freezing while it was burned away. All the while, his lungs were starting to burn. He couldn't breathe.

His wide, shaky eyes rushed across the objects in the room as if looking at something for too long would cause him more pain. He laid his eyes upon the very item he had been searching for. A tool that had been a must for a kitchen. The glint of the sharp edge had attracted his vision. Standing up on shaky legs, he made his way over to the counter, with food laid out, chopped into small cubes, and a fairly large knife, the length only being an inch or so shorter than his forearm.

"…" He gave a whispered chuckle, barely heard, even by him. It. His blood. It wanted out. If he didn't give it a way to get out, it would force its way out, tearing anywhere between a small patch in his skin, to entire limbs worth of flesh being rended by his own life-force. Reaching for the metal cooking utensil, he could tell his blood was getting excited. His heartbeat was erratic, and changed as his flow of blood abused his body. He could feel the hard, plastic handle pinching, and burning his hand.

"Hmha…" He gave a small giggle. He was trying to contain himself- he really was, but he couldn't stop his pleased grin nor his mind-tilting laughter as he ran the sharp point of the knife into his wrist. His already wide eyes widened as he dug it into his wrist, then using his leverage on the handle to use the knife as a shovel, ripping out chunks of flesh and blood.

"Fuck!" He hissed. This hurt more than he cared to show. Stopping, he could feel tension leaving his body as his blood rushed out and floated in front of him, akin to blood floating in and being diluted by water. He stared, this was what always needed to be done. This… blood of his… it needed freedom! Things were right in the world now. This was how things _should_ be. That was why they would _stay_ that way.

Glancing at the wound, a small price to pay to set his world straight, he saw that it stopped bleeding, and the pot he left in his arm didn't regenerate, but the flesh he tore from his arm floated into the air. He could see it return to the wrong place, the place that would make him stop bleeding… Then the lines that separated the small pieces from the whole disappeared. It always did this…

That was fine. He calmed his blood. That was all he needed.

He stood from his slumped position against the table in the middle of the kitchen/dining area. He held himself against the 18in by 60in slab of marble and steadied himself. He looked under himself once he had found his balance, and noted the large ocean of blood under him, soaking his skin and clothes, while staining the tile floor under him. That was also fine. The blood would listen to his desires with no hesitance. It would clean itself.

He thought on exactly why he wanted to move the blood to a harder to see spot. He knew what they did to people like him. They took away their means to rend their flesh from their bones, forced them to stop freeing the blood. He knew they wouldn't understand his companionship with his blood. They were too stupid to understand his **absolute** love.

Everything was fine. He just needed to move his blood, and questions wouldn't be asked, so with a thought, the blood removed itself from his clothes and skin, while lifting itself from the floor, and it followed him in the air. Walking out of the kitchen, he made a move to his room. He was safe there. No one ever went in there except him and his blood, so it was safe to play with his blood there.

"You're beautiful as ever." He spoke with a heartfelt and sincere voice to the hovering cloud of red. He never knew why few others ever cared to free the blood in public, but decided after a while of seeing others do it in the private of their home, but those who were found out get forced to stop, he wouldn't let others see him do it. Another thing he noticed was that no one else's blood would float like his would, and decided that they were weird, and people he should stay away from, should their enviousness of his closeness to his blood cause them to try and ruin his relationship with his blood. One of his many 'friends'.

Moving his thoughts away from the disgusting, evil, hateful, fool villagers that had little to no connection with their blood, he thought on his room, which he was currently opening the door to.

It was reddish-pink. That was about it. Aside from the mountains of plushies that towered into walls, creating the softest maze in the world, his room was a dark pink or light red. Far darker than the Haruno's hereditary bubblegum pink but far lighter than the traditional Uzumaki red. At first glance, one would write it off as a little girls' room, but Naruto would just as quickly force the commenter into correcting themselves. He liked pink, and he _loved_ soft and cute things, and didn't hesitate to point out if he thought something or _someone_ was cute. Navigating through the maze of puppies and kittens, with piglets and kits, and even a hippo, he found his bed and plopped onto his bed, which had been neon orange.

Hey, don't judge, he liked pink, red, and orange, and if someone had a problem with his tastes, they would be taking it up with fireworks, cement, and their own ass.

Thinking on his cute little friends, he thought about where he got all of them from. Some he had won during trips to arcades and festivals, others he bought, others stolen, and some bought with stolen money. Meh, he didn't care if some rich asshole villager missed a couple of bills because he emptied out their wallet, as long as he got his friends. Though, only half of his toys had been procured through his own work, and the other half he had gotten from a man who called himself 'Orochimaru', though he just called him 'Pedobear'… Their first meeting had been under _very_ strange circumstances…

 ** _BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON NARUTO IS AS LONG AS IT IS, IS BECAUSE FLASHBACKS._**

 _The party was odd… He didn't really know anyone here and he was pretty sure neither did his dad, mom, or sister… Oh well. As long as he had his cake, he was A-Okay with all of Konoha stuffing itself into his house._

 _And then someone fucked up and bumped into him._

 _His small, seven-year-old eyes widened in absolute shock and horror as his cake fell top down onto the floor, ruining the magnificent, fluffy, godly cinnamon cake._

 ** _FLASHBACK INTERRUPTION!_**

Needless to say, the man died a week later of suffocation by cake… At the time, he thought it was ironic AND the perfect revenge. He called it magic that he hadn't been caught murdering the guy but he didn't complain.

 ** _BACK TO THE FLASHBACK!_**

 _He made sure to catch a look at the perpetrators face before he made a note to kill that man… Then mourn his cake… Then his knight a in shining bear mascot costume cake (puns bitches, I have them.) to his aid!_

 _"…Boy… Why do you refuse to stop that insufferable crying?" The bear …Hissed(?) at him._

 _Not trusting his voice not to shatter over the loss of his soul-mate, he merely pointed at his cake, smeared upon the wooden floor._

 _The snake-bear man was annoyed. His longtime best friend Jiraiya dragged him to the party, and when the actual guy who was supposed to wear this blasted suit didn't show up (Spoiler, Pedobear killed him), He was shoved into the suit by his friend and the blasted fool SEALED HIM IN! He couldn't get out of the suit with his sealing skills when compared to Jiraiya's and he had to walk around looking like a fool for the Yondaime's children's birthday, and now he had to deal with a sniveling brat crying about his cake! Separate from the party, the Uzumaki girl that the fourth Hokage married adamantly refused to let him have a personal blood sample to study the Uzumaki genes! The secrets to their absolute bullshit stamina and bloodline were right in front of him- This boy was looking oddly familiar… An extremely light shade of blond with red eyes and claws- Oh this could turn out to be perfect! All he needed to do was play his cards right… Hmm… The boy seemed to be crying over his lost sweets… He knew just what to say… If only he thought a little bit harder on the next words that came out of his damnable mouth…"Child… Would you like some candy?"_

 **FLASH BANG! I MEAN, FLASHBACK! OVER. FLASHBACK OVER IS WHAT I MEAN…**

After that, the people surrounding them had turned to them, and before they took note of who the child was, they took a note of what they heard and immediately saw. The way the information got around the party was decidedly NOT a whisper, and everyone lost their shit, but not before Pedobear realized his mistake and cursed the Uzumaki name.

When word had gotten across the house and to his parents that there was a pedophile in a bear suit offering candy to little kids, Minato and Kushina face-palmed as Jiraiya cracked a joke about "True colors finally coming to the light" and "The pervert side is growing ever stronger… KUKUKUKUKU!" as they all knew the position Jiraiya had forced Orochimaru into. Minato flashed each of them to the bottom floor and came across the weirdest scene of a pedophile bear looming over his son with the body language of someone who was scared, confused, hated the world, and was willing to go to the weirdest lengths to get Uzumaki blood.

On the other-hand, there was his son who looked like he was about to explode into a fit of giggles and was having a hard time deciding whether or not he wanted to accept the candy, drive the stake even further into this Pedobear's heart, or run away screaming. He decided on doing the first two before anyone figured out it was him.

"Yes mister bear! I would love some candy! Where is it?" Ah, the perks of being a child with the innocent sounding voice and look.

Orochimaru knew that this boy understood damn good and well what he was saying, and he was conflicted on the choice of strangling the boy, he believed the boy's name was Naruto, he idly thought, and strangling Jiraiya for getting him in this mess. He decided to ignore the boy that was singing "Caaan you feeeel the rape tonight?" next to him and strangled his childhood best friend.

After someone noticed who the child was, they decided to ignore him and the Pedobear left with the old lion mane with warts, coming back moments later bear free but not quite as pedophile free, and made a deal with the child. He would give him candy and he could take a bit of the boy's blood. Naruto, already used to making himself bleed, agreed and walked away from a pedophile with a "WTF DID HE JUST DO?!" face while he left with a basket of lollipops and a large gash along his arm.

From there, Orochimaru sought out Naruto's parents, yelling at them to look at their child's arm and tell him he wasn't some cross of insane and suicidal. When they found Naruto drowning himself in sugar filled lollipops, they asked him to show them his arms. Confused but complying, the two saw nothing out of place and turned to Orochimaru. Placing a hand on his shoulder, he rationalized in an even voice, "I understand you're tired and had an… interesting day… but could you _not_ run around accusing my son of trying to kill himself?"

Orochimaru was confused! He didn't get it! The boy was bleeding not long ag- The kyūbi. That wretched thing healed him! Bah! Whatever. It was of no consequence. He would find the boy later and get a blood sample from the boy without the shock of a child maiming themselves within seconds only to walk away right as rain. Sighing and walking away, he met the boy the next day and put forth an offer.

"Boy, would you like some more candy?" Orochimaru was really hating the few ways he could go about collecting blood.

"Would you like to go to jail Mr. Pedobear?" The bleach-blonde boy shot back.

Oh the nerve! He would strangle this boy if it wasn't every sort of illegal. "what can I give you that you'd give me blood for…" The snake sighed. He was just too sick of all this shit.

"Hmm… Why are you so interested in getting my blood mister?" The ruby eyed boy asked.

"Because I want a sample of Uzumaki blood, your mom has a stick up her ass, your father is useless to me, and your sister is too closely guarded by your guard dog of a mother!" He bellowed. He was far too sick of the shit he'd been putting up with. Spitting out the truth, he cared little about if he got the Uzumaki blood anymore.

"Plushies."

That threw him off if nothing else did.

"Pardon me?" He was confused beyond hell now. What did plushies have to do with anything?!

"I want plushies for _days_. For every ounce of my blood you get your hands on, I want a plushy. I love cute, soft, and cuddly things, and plushies are those things." He spoke slowly, as if talking to a dimwitted negotiator and he held the hostages.

This boy was really getting on his nerves! But then it struck with him. The boy was willing to give him the damn sample he'd hunted for years! The Yondaime had made sure he never let Orochimaru go on a mission with his wife to make sure he didn't get a sample of her blood after a fight. Though, when he thought of it, he was probably on orders from his wife. But that wasn't the point! This boy wanted a metric fuck-ton of plushies for just as much blood! This was perfect! He had an infinite supply of Uzumaki blood to run tests on and he didn't even have to go through the source! Ha! Take that you guard dog bitch! Even your own son doesn't like you- wait a minute… He didn't have kids of his own, but he was pretty sure that kids usually liked their parents… Hmm, maybe not, but this would probably be investigated later… He always did love a little bit of drama. It might even explain his ease to bring himself harm… "Deal!" He rushed, popping into the play store next to him, and coming out moments later with the entire stock of plushies. "Now… Give me your body!"

 **That is something I never quite understood. People always give Naruto or other fictional characters a badass power and suddenly they were either evil, had a serious makeover, or they were super serious as hell, or even a combination! Why can't he be super goofy and insane while being an adorable little demon-monster-god of insanity with a sweet tooth?**

 **STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER! Ah well… I don't know what to think of this, since I wrote the majority of this at 5:43 A.M. but I like it, though I drifted off-topic halfway through… Ah well. Let's pin this as HUMOR? You guys tell me. Tell me what two genres you think this story fits! For now, I'll pop in two genres that I feel might work.**

 **Anyways. It's late, I wrote the vast majority of this on 5/8/2016 and I am super tired. For those of you who want me to update some other stuff…**

 **Fuck you. These are stories I'M writing, not you. If you want to write your own version of whatever, go knock yourself out. But don't fuck with me. On that note. I probably should have made this clear, but I won't be responding to reviews like "Update." Or "It's good." Because those are useless. What part was good? Why can't you fuckers who want to make me update this shit go die in a river or write a fucking story yourself? Why am I being a grumpy asshole? The world may never know!**


	2. What's in a clan head's head?

**The Tree of Konohagakure's Red Branch of Sin Chapter 2 (I forgot to put this in chapter 1… Whoopsy daisies.)**

 **Ignored by his family, and seemingly abandoned, Naruto came to hate the world around him, but soon after could not find it in himself to care. Neglect and the occasional bullying from his sister, aided him to turning to self-harm, which had rolled itself into a pile of emotional baggage with a squishy core of masochism. You know. For that extra bit of good measure.**

 **Yo! How're all you non-descript fuck-bags? Wondering about my attitude? Don't! I'm perfectly fine, but all people are almost equally shitty in my eyes, for I am a god! Nah, I'm just tired and I have to visit my dad tomorrow. Anyways, I'm in a decent enough mood and decided that I haven't updated in a while. And WOW! This story got great reception. This story has 35 followers, 21 favorites, and a community (Ignore the fact that the community is chalk full of random shit. I know, I've read some of it.)! That's roughly a third as popular as my most popular one "The Abandoned Gamer of Konohagakure" or "TAGOK"! I must admit, when I made this story, I knew a lot of people would like it, because I feel like I put a fair amount of work into it, but I also knew because I've seen some of the shittiest stories on this website with favorites and follows out the ass. Not shit story-wise mind you, no, these guys/gals FUCKED the English language like a rabbit hopped up (Bitches love puns.) hormones! Getting off my high horse, I have come to the decision that I will continue this story the way I do with TAGOK. I like the idea of this story because I can just do whatever. I never knew writing stories this way was this… freeing? I don't know. On to the reviews! Note: Copying the names and messages separately is getting annoying, so I'm gonna stop doing the names as well. The people who left the message know who they are. If you're curious, go check the previous chapter. Also! I'm not gonna answer boring comments like "Cool" or "Update pls". At least add something interesting! I think it's a waste of both your time and mine. I know you think it's cool, that's why you're on like chapter 40,000,000 or some shit.**

 **One last thing. The word I wanted for Naruto's description is androgynous. Naruto is androgynous. I feel like the only thing that really gave away Naruto's gender in the anime is the chubby cheeks he had, and no, Naruto does NOT have a damn obsession with ramen. A) Yes, I'm blaming the damn ramen for that. B) I like ramen, but by god, I don't care what god you have in your stomach, the sheer amount of salt would kill anyone.**

 _Huh this is weird feels borderline crackish. Not bad though._

 **Good! Originally I walking onto this story with the intent for a far more serious story. Yeah. You saw how _that_ turned out. I had a lot of funny ideas which wouldn't fit the "horror" thing I was going for, so I scraped it all together. Though there'll still be intense gore, it'll be an insane kind of glee cause by the testicular mutilation of all enemies.**

 _PFFTT HAHAHAHA! THAT FINAL LINE THOUGH now... give me your bady. Genius!_

 **Yep. The reason Orochimaru is still around will be answered, for those of you who're curious.**

 _I could totally see this naruto in a young justice leage crossover haha Maybe?_

 **Um… Sorry, but no. A) I don't know anything about that other than the fact that it's made by DC or Marvel. B) The name indicates that that would be in illogical choice, as they work for justice, while he works for the sake of blood. (For now. I haven't figured it all out. C) You yourself don't know much about it since you misspelled "Justice League" with "Naruto" and "Justice League" both having capitalization problems. That's something I never understand, why can people never just hold the shift key for ONE FUCKING LETTER! Sigh. Ah well. D) I mean no offense to you, but Marvel and DC stuff has just gotten stupid at this point. Hell, I never liked them to begin with.**

 _Yes I love it long live the plushy empire_

 **Indeed. ALL HAIL LELOUCH VI PLUSHTANIA!**

 _There aren't many Naruto/Deadman Wonderland crossovers and I really like the concept of this fic._

 **Yeah, and that's disappointing, because I think Naruto having a branch of sin sounds amazing.**

 **With all of that said, on to the story I guess.**

 **[Written on 5/21/2016 - 5/23/2016 ~ 5/24/2016 – 5/30/2016 ~ 6/1/2016]**

 ** _THE FACT THAT THIS LINE OF TEXT IS STILL HERE TO WASTE YOUR TIME SINCE THE LAST TIME I WROTE A SIMILAR LINE IN THE ABANDONED GAMER OF KONOHAGAKURE. BY THE WAY, DID YOU KNOW THAT I SAW A STORY WHERE THE GUY WHO WROTE IT CALLED KONOHAGAKURE KOHONA. BECAUSE HAWAII._**

What's in a clan head's head? And am I what?

This man was beautiful. He was magnificent, and he wouldn't trade it for the world.

"Give you my young, innocent body? Hm… Check back with me when I'm legal, hm?" Naruto chimed back in a deceivingly childish voice filled to the brim with innocence while he plucked the adorable and soft animals from Orochimaru's arms. This man said the absolute weirdest yet funniest shit he'd ever heard. He'd be stupid to trade it for the world! Well… that, and because he had no real wish for world dominance. One flag brought unity, with low chance of a force large enough for civil war. War suited him just fine. Blood was freed in war.

"What?! No! I mean yes! Gah! Damnit child!" He was annoyed by this cheeky little brat who seemed to take pleasure in twisting any and all situations into something of a freak show he'd find humorous. He would have to have a talk with the boy's parents about how they were raising him. "Look, I gave you your plushies, so can you just follow me to my workplace or no?"

The reaction was easy to decipher as "Yes" when he walked to Orochimaru's side.

"Lets go Mr. Bear!" He chirped. Ah, this was fun. His regeneration rate was ridiculous so the fact that this man would 1) let him free the blood, 2) give him what amounted to free plushies, and lastly 3) let him mock him as much as he pleased.

Orochimaru sighed. This would be a very long day. Starting on the way to his lab, he thought about the boy next to him. From what little he knew of him, he was disliked be many civilians and younger ninja, while the rest were neutral.

The Nara understood his problems, but were realistic in the fact that, as powerful as the seal the Sandaime used, if the child _willingly_ gave in to the fox, the fox would take over the boy's body, killing him in the process, and raze Konoha to the ground unless there were _more_ sacrifices to the Shinigami. With this in mind, he was generally treated nicely enough by the Nara clan. Or at the very least neutrally.

The Yamanaka clan was mostly of a different story. Being that they were a clan entirely based around the mind, and the mindscape. The Yamanaka were well known for having more than seventy-five percent of the village's therapists, for ninjas or not. They were mostly paranoid of the fox being able to influence his thoughts, though they were too afraid to check on the chance that the fox was released and they would die and since his father was too nice and too much of an idealist nobody had the courage nor the orders to check his mind for any instabilities. That was an amazing decision on their end due to the results, or so he thought.

The Akimichi were the opposite of a fat kid on cake when it came to the subject. More like a fat kid and salads, he had more than once idly thought. Many of them generally didn't have much understanding of the sealing arts so they had no real way to know anything besides taking their Hokage's word for it, which they did easily, and were usually friendly with the boy. Then again. They were friendly with everybody.

The Hyūga were a bunch of stone faced sociopaths. More often than not, he wondered what led them to reproducing, since they more than likely didn't go through the process of courting. He had thought they simply approached each other with the wish to mate made clear when he was young. He always imagined a Hyūga simply walking up to each other with the phrase "We will reproduce" slipping off their tongues. This was still unanswered some 40 years later. Back to the main point, he didn't think many of them had personalities, never mind an opinion on the young white-blonde haired boy behind him.

When it came to the boy's own blood, the Uzumaki, he could only assume that they got along well, but these thoughts were being challenged by the boy's actions… Maybe he was going through his rebellious age? Doubtful. He didn't think rebellion was the cause for self-harm in this case.

The Uchiha were an odd bunch. After the failed attempt at a "revolution", relations were less than… " _adequate._ " After Fugaku's arrest, it was discovered that he had been under a powerful genjutsu. One that not even the Sharingan could get out of? The case was that either Konoha's very own genjutsu mistress, Kurenai Yūhi, committed the crime, which was highly unlikely, but an investigation was launched just in case. The second option? Another Sharingan user. Likely a very powerful one, so after that, all of the surviving Uchiha were put under thorough investigation. Once all of the traitors who genuinely wanted to bring harm to Konoha were weeded out and executed -Publicly, he might add- the genjutsu was pinned on person who attacked during the Namikaze girl's and this boy's birthday as he was the only unregistered person with a Sharingan known to Konoha. After the genjutsu was broken, he was let go, but stepped down as the head of the Uchiha clan in order to try and keep the shame -and stupidity, he thought lightly- of his actions from the Uchiha clans name. It worked… Somewhat. The successor, Itachi Uchiha, was quick to take steps to "fix" the problem of the stain on the Uchiha name. The new head of the Uchiha clan -hopefully this one was without a genjutsu strapped to his chakra system- received the boy well enough, though the patriarch of the Uchiha clan knew there was something wrong with him, but didn't have the time to find out.

Most of the Inuzuka _really_ wanted to like him, since their unyielding loyalty and general rashness led them to being friendly, if not competitive to a point that they offended people, but most of them were either creeped out -what was he saying, everyone was creeped out by him- or weirded out by him. Despite the fact that the boy was smiling all the time, they always felt uncomfortable when it was directed at them, and -as stupid as it sound- could always _hear_ the smile in his voice when he talked, but the smile never seemed to be because he was jolly. Another thing that freaked them out was that he _always_ smelled like blood. Not even _once_ since he was of a very young age did anyone with a sensitive nose not think he reeked of blood. He supposed he figured out _why_ he always had the lingering sent of blood around him. When an Inuzuka first reported the odd sent of his child to Minato, Minato and Kushina had asked Naruto if he had any idea why he might smell like anything -they had phrased it like this as to not tip him off just in case- and when he claimed ignorance, he was to be taken to a doctor after a few days of watching just in case the boy was doing something or something was happening to him. He didn't stop smelling like blood apparently, so they took him to the doctor where they were informed that there was nothing physically wrong with the child, so after a while the entire fiasco faded from their minds. The Inuzuka preferred to not be in the same room as him, and it wasn't for the same reasons as most villagers.

There was no such thing as knowing what an Aburame was thinking without a Yamanaka, which was the same case with the Hyūga. They had no real opinion on the boy, but since the bugs reported that his dead skin tasted like blood and he generally smelled like it, they stayed away like the Inuzuka.

He wasn't lying when he said he thought that Tsunade and Jiraiya didn't even know they _even had_ and godchild.

The Sarutobi clan left the boy alone and the tailed boy left them alone. It was an odd understanding though.

Nobody really cared what the Kurama clan thought as they would have very little relevance to the story, but they barely know he exists.

The Haruno clan is the only civilian clan I know of, so here you go! They don't go out of their way to make their dislike of the boy apparent, but they wouldn't help him if he were being attacked a few feet away.

Moving his thoughts away from the subject of what clan thought what of one Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze, he found himself punching in the 52-digit code to his office. He knew it was a running joke that if he wasn't so busy remembering the passcode to his office, he would be able to crack the meaning of life. He never knew on whether or not to take that as an insult to his protection of his work, or praise to his brilliance! Because he knew he was Konohagakure's most brilliant mind, and probably the most brilliant mind in the world! It wasn't narcissism, it was simply the truth. Though he wished people would just listen to him when he said there was no meaning to life and that we were just accidents caused by the biggest explosion that has ever existed. He believed in the god that placed all the atoms and molecules and protons, neutrons, and electrons into existence, but he didn't believe that humans were made for a higher purpose other than to die and continue their sad, sad existence as mistakes.

"Hey pedophile! We going anywhere or what? My legs are getting numb!"

This child would die a slow and painful death one day. Even if it wasn't by his hand. "Shut up already brat, can't you be patient! You already got you payment, and I'll be getting mine! Now hop into the chair. I'll be setting up the extraction once you do."

"Oh? I got _payment?_ What would you possible pay me for?" He was annoyed. Maybe he would take a good bit extra blood for his troubles? Yeah. That sounded like a good idea. He'd need the extra supply of testable resources anyways. After experimentation, the blood samples wouldn't be good for any more use, so why not make use of his inexhaustible source? Besides, those plushies emptied his wallet. He couldn't pay for any more blood unless he went over to the bank and draw out some more money, and as much as he'd like to understand the Uzumaki genes better, he didn't want to be homeless to do it.

Rolling a small rectangle on a stand over to him, he pulled out a needle to sterilize it. With his cleaning work done, he latched the needle onto the tube and searched for a vein. He forced some of his chakra into the boy's arm in order to make it strain, bringing it closer to the surface and therefore easier to see and stab. When he laid eyes on the vein, he knew something wasn't right. Veins were blue when viewed inside the skin, so seeing this black-ish red and incredibly _thick_ vein, he paused. Why in the name of the Sage is his vein the way it was? He would try to find out once he had his hands on the damn sample. Plunging the needle into the boy, he turned on the machine and instantly blood was draining out. He gave the brat twenty plushies -not that he knew where he put them. A sealing scroll perhaps? – so he'd be getting a good bit of blood. And then some. He could already see the fairly large container filling up, and he was approaching what the plushies would cover. That was fine, since he doubted the kid knew that. What he was confused him was that the kid wasn't pale or dying yet, which usually happened when you take 1 and ¼ pints of blood from what accounts as a seven-year-old child. What _really_ confused him was when the blood just… stopped coming out. Last he checked -every other 4 minutes, the paranoid obsessive bastard- the damn machine was working just fine, and he was pretty sure blood didn't just stop. Then again, blood also doesn't clean its residue from the tube that was just sucking it in. When he saw that the machine had reached the required -and settled upon amount- of blood, and the disapproving stare that the child was pointing at him it didn't take him long to figure out what was going on. Though he sure as fuck didn't know how!

"We agreed on an ounce per plushy. I've got twenty plushies, and you've got 20 ounces." This was quite creepy for him, and he was Orochimaru of the Sannin… Of course he could try and force the boy to stay here and forcibly take more blood, but he didn't understand the boy's power, and unknown variables were always dangerous. Even Kages were paranoid when something involved unknown variables and he didn't reach his ripe old age of fifty be taking unnecessary risks. To most, fifty might not be old, but he grew up in the middle of a Great Ninja War and was active in said war before he was a teen, then spent the next forty or so years staying active. A normal ninja died at twenty usually because they had reached their peak, or prime, gotten cocky, and taken too many missions in a row, or took one that was too hard for them, though some simply die due to extenuating circumstances.

 ** _BACK TO NARUTO IN HIS BED BECAUSE HOLY SHIT DID I JUST RAMBLE INTO AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT SUBJECT. BACK TO PLUSHTANIA!_**

That had been a very interesting day. After that, Orochimaru tried to find the answers to what he had been able to do, but had yet to come up with results. Feh, he wouldn't get results if he kept trying for a million years. The ability to control his blood wasn't physical, but spiritual. He was sure that it was his love of blood that allowed this control. Though the constant stream of around twenty plushies a month was nice. Though he wondered just _how_ someone can blow through about twenty ounces of blood a month.

Rolling off of his bed that was walled up with plushies, he fell onto - you guessed it - another pile of plushies. Sometimes he suspected that maybe he had too many plushies, but those thoughts were instantly wiped away by his sea of softness that floated him to the door of his room, and popped him out into the hallway.

And straight into the view of his family.

First, he laid his rubies onto his violet eyed mother, Kushina Uzumaki-Namikaze. She was the wife of his father and his mother. Her red hair was a stark contrast to his own, and was even when he was still blonde. She had a short fuse and got pissed easily, but usually for the right reasons. She was also very passionate about what she thought. (You should have an idea of what she looks like. Also. Fuck describing what an existing character is wearing. If they have a preset style of clothes, I'm not gonna fuck with it. Except for Naruto. Because fuck orange.)

Then his eyes drifted to his father. The blonde in front of him the fourth Hokage, or Yondaime, and was known as an idealist with the speed to change the world. He was also called the "Yellow Flash" due to his speed attained by his seal kunai. He didn't have a deep understanding of sealing like his parents, but he didn't get why people revered his father. A seal that cancels all other seals within a range would easily leave the man without his precious and revered speed.

Then, his younger sister. She had red hair as well, much like her mother, with blue eyes and was slightly shorter than himself. She was constantly choking down her unhealthy amounts of ramen, and while she didn't become a blob of oil, grease, and lard due to her extensive training, her growth was stunted. She had a personality on her for sure, with her arrogance and narcissism, she thought that most were below her and all were simply born to bow. He didn't get why she was the way she was, and when he was younger, she would mercilessly talk down to him in any way possible concerning all topics. From his tail, claws, canines, and ears, which were all things he thought were badass, and the fact that almost everyone hated him or tried to ignore him. That part slightly bugged him, but after he learned of his connection with the blood, he stopped caring about any of that. He didn't _need_ or _want_ the company of others. After he stopped trying to interact with others or generally leaving his room, she stopped bugging him about the stupid stuff. Or at least she didn't want to bother herself to search for him, so usually just went after the closest poor sap… Not his problem!

The twisted boy of white and red sat up and continued staring. He wanted to know how this would play out, though in the end, it didn't matter, because he would still have his blood no matter what happened.

"Howdy!" He spouted in a cheerful manner. He was always. So. Damn. _Chirpy._

Kushina, Minato, and his sister Mito looked at him oddly, why was he tossed out of his pink room by oceans of plushies- wait what? Since when was his room some odd shade of pink?! And why pink of all colors?! And then the plushies! Why did he have so many? Why did he have any in the first place? He was a bit old for them… Was… was Naruto going through 'that' phase? Why did they have all these questions in the first place? These kinds of things seemed like things they would know already.

While the adults of the situation let their minds wander to some major questions about their son, his sister had already come to her conclusion, and was going to make damn sure she made use of her assumptions.

"Hi Naruto," Minato exhaled. "Mind explaining the sea of toys?" He didn't want to jump from point A to point B in his thought process. He needed to smooth his son into the conversation he wanted to have with him.

If it had been anyone else, the 'toys' comment would have gotten the commenter some new blades. In their skull. But he knew. He knew the 'norm' was for the majority. His friends were toys and he was a self-harming demon-child. He **_hated_** the norm.

"Remember the pedophile? He's been giving these to me after I started yelling about his "vicious acts" against me. He got really pissed about that, but since then, to get me to stop, he's been giving me tribute. In the form of plushies. Some of them I bought a long time ago though." He knew he shouldn't tell them the actual reason the snake was giving all these to him, because if he did, his mother would go on a shit parade during shit fest where they host a shit show. In other words, he and his generous benefactor would be murderized. He knew how much she wanted the Uzumaki blood to stay out of his hands, but he generally didn't care. Why would he? Even if the snake did figure out the secret to the general Uzumaki traits, so what? Then he lives slightly longer or shorter, depending how the blood is received by his body, and he lives a healthier life. Honestly, he just felt bad for the poor guy who spent years trying to achieve immortality, only to be shut down and sent to the list of people who could only extend their lives.

"Oh? We didn't know you like those sorts of things… What about your room?" This was a dangerous game these two wanted to play. Fine, he would play as well.

"What do you mean? My room's been pink for years. Shouldn't you know all this?" That stung and he knew it. He understood many things. One of those things was that by an outsiders view he was neglected. They wouldn't be wrong, and that's what he was taking advantage of right now.

"Y-yeah, I guess so. Hey, what do you say we catch up Today? Because of the festival, we're hosting a party." Minato felt awkward. You shouldn't have to _invite_ your own son to a party that _you're_ hosting! It should be something that happens on its own! Oh dear, he would need to have a chat with Kushina after this.

He was confused on the outside, but once you cracked the thin veil over his face, you would see a dying child. He was probably trying to be smooth, and if he were on duty, he probably would be, but this was an unexpected assault, and therefore one he couldn't prepare more inconspicuous lines for. It was _hilarious._

"Sure! I'd love to!" He would keep going along, since he was pretty sure this would be about as entertaining as the Pedobear fiasco.

 ** _THIS SHOULD BE QUITE ENTERTAINING. IF THINGS GO THE WAY I WANT THEM TO ANYWAYS._**

Looking into his mirror, he saw that he was dressed in a yukata that was a shade of pink that reminded him of cherry trees with spots that would fade into dark red circle shaped holes. Beyond that, his short, white hair was still wet from his shower. His face wasn't sharp or soft, and his Adams apple was invisible, and if you looked at his small mouth and lips or easy eyes, you would immediately jump to the conclusion you were looking at a girl. If you knew who he was you would think that his genes were very hateful towards him, and if you knew what he though, you would know he thought he was cute. And that's all that mattered to him really. His hands were tucked into his sleeves and his feet were held off the ground by slippers. If someone looked down, they would see that two cute little koalas were eating his feet.

Making his way downstairs, he was zeroed in on by many of the attendees. This was normal for him. People _always_ stared. People only ever stared because they were frightened, angry, didn't know who he was and thought that it was fine to take a gamble on his gender, and those who worshipped and praised him. Yeah. Praise. You heard him right. Who knew there were some people who thought he was god because they worshiped the Kyūbi? Because he got the heavier cosmetic affects from the fox than his sister, worshippers thought that their demon god chose him as the successor. That was something that sucked about his awesome appendages. They were mostly cosmetic. He didn't have super enhanced hearing and smell or super sight. His claws, fangs, and tail could do damage, but beyond that was a no go.

Making his way through the area filled with no-named civilians, ninja, and counsel members he walked into another section of the house were only friends and family were allowed.

When he entered, he was faced with a question that confirmed it. This would be a _very_ interesting party indeed.

 ** _LAST FEW MINUTES IN THE ROOM OF CLOSENESS THAT I HAVE YET TO NAME!_**

"Maybe we're looking too far into it? Making a mountain of an anthill?" He spouted desperately. Not only was the conversation awkward to have, the conclusion was also pretty bad.

"…" Silence reigned and crushed Minato and Kushina. While the kids were outside playing and talking, the clan heads and Sannin were talking about the biggest issue in the village right now. The neglect of his son and why his room was pink. Yeah, because that's super important compared to the constant possibility of war looming over their heads.

"Well Minato, Kushina, I don't think we can help, since I don't think that any of us have forgotten about a kid, unless the Hyūga have a confession to make. But hey, if you're right, there are lots of guys in Konoha!" That was Tsume, the Matriarch of the Inuzuka clan.

"We do not. We Hyūga are stoic, as proud Hyūga should be, not neglectful." Hiashi pointed out, sending a large arrow with the word neglectful carved into it into his long-time friend and his wife.

"Why don't you just ask him? I'm sure he'd know about himself! Besides, he's usually quite nice! I'm sure he'd forgive you two!" A large man named Chouza cheered.

"I don't know about that Cho, neglect can have severe consequences. And he might be extra jumpy if he is hiding a secret of that caliber." The Yamanaka head countered. "What are your thoughts Shika?"

"Oh no! I'm not getting involved with this drama, that's way too damn troublesome! Just let me sleep." That would be the laziest and smartest person currently alive: Shikaku Nara, head of the Nara clan.

"Well my beloved student. You fucked up. On the upside, I might have a place to start a new kind of research! My fan base will double! Something for everyone! Men, women, young, old! I have won! Muwahahaha- Ow!" That would be a pained Jiraiya after a Tsunade punch to the cranium.

"I don't think we're the right people to ask Minato, since none of us have much experience in this topic. The account of neglect we usually see is neglected slaves on missions."

"That explains so much more than it should you two." Orochimaru hissed.

"…" The ever silent Uchiha screeched out. He was really pissed off at the Hokage and his wife right now. He valued his home above all but his adorable brother, but that didn't mean he didn't have a disturbing amount of love for his family.

"I suspect he will be distant and try to stay away from personal topics. You should ease him into the question." Intoned the 'king bee' of the Aburame.

After he let loose those words, these three things happened in this order.

1\. The children rushed in.

2\. Naruto gracefully slid through the doorway.

3\. Minato opened his damn mouth.

"Naruto! Are you homosexual?! There's nothing to be ashamed about if you are!" Turns out, his speed didn't translate to mental reflexes, because he spat out the question of questions that laid on top of the very large pile before he registered what to say and who was in the room.

Each of the clan heads guffawed.

 **Currently my longest chapter yet! Also the only one to take more than three days to work on. I didn't really know where to go with this until the final day. Also, my mum is saying that because of my shit grades, she might be doing a parental block on the website. Yeah. I know. That also means no more updates for a while. *Audience dies* Oh _that's_ what gets the reaction. Fuck you too. **

**Something to note. I myself am not gay or androgynous or anything like that, but I never understood why people are so against those kinds of people. If a guy wants the D, he gets the damn D! If a girl wants the V, she gets the fuckin V! If a boy or girl looks like the opposite sex or is indeterminable, then fine! Then they're unique! People make this biggest fucking deals of the smallest shit. Trump has nothing to do about anything other than immigrants. Because they're out biggest issue. And assholes make homosexuals the living definition of Satan!**

 **Beyond that, what do you think his answer will be? Place your bets in the review pod below!**


	3. Incestuous Makout and the Answer to Hair

**The Tree of Konohagakure's Red Branch of Sin Chapter 3**

 **Ignored by his family, and seemingly abandoned, Naruto came to hate the world around him, but soon after could not find it in himself to care. Neglect and the occasional bullying from his sister, aided him to turning to self-harm, which had rolled itself into a pile of emotional baggage with a squishy core of masochism. You know. For that extra bit of good measure.**

 **Um… [6/29/2016] [6/30/2016] [7/1/2016] [7/27/2016] [8/5/2016] On to the reviews? I don't have a lot to say…**

 _it feels like you free inspiration for Natuto's personality from hellsing ultimate abridged Alucard_

 **Now this is a review of chapter 1, so there's that, but this comment hit a cord with me since I love the ever loving shit out of this series. I didn't walk in with the resemblance in mind, but I see it now that you pointed it out. Because of this, I'm going to put in a few references from the series you might like. You know, a couple of sentences you might recognize? Also, you misspelled "Naruto" as "Natuto."**

 _He's a nut. Funny though._

 **Thanks I guess.**

 _I feel that Naruto will mess with them for awhile maybe show some homosexual actions_

 **What? You think he's _just_ into men? Don't worry, after this, you'll be cringing all over the place.**

 _Gay_

 **You really need to add some context to your messages mate. I almost deleted your review because I thought you were talking about the story. Let me say something before everyone gets super anal though. Criticism is fine, even encouraged, but it has to be constructive. Point out flaws and help me fix them. Rip into me, make a four paragraph review pointing out every little flaw if you want! I do it… ( - _ -)**

 _Hahahahaha i love this story. unique really, first i read something like this on my favs cannot wait for next chapter, i think he could be bi~ as long as they are kawaii i suppose xD_

 **You thought correctly my friend-a-mundo!**

 _Cringefest and awkward laughs aah the guilty pleasures are being indulged._

 _Fucking magical!_

 **Are you sure we aren't friends in real life? Wait. Never mind, I don't have friends… Wah! I'm a big baby! Wah!**

 _My bet? He's going to play the ever lover shit out of the situation and make the darling audience that is the reader unable to contain our laughter._

 **Thanks! Really. Thank you for the faith that you have in me that leads you to believe I can make you laugh. However, with that said, expectations can disappoint, so don't walk into this expecting too much, because if you don't get what you expected, it could affect your attitude while writing your review. But yeah, he is totally gonna play these fools like violins. Well… Does it count as "playing a fool" when you're being a super aggressive incestuous whore-boy?**

 _That howdy Instantly brought undertale to mind. I half expected Naruto to give his family a few "friendliness pellets"_

 **Remmi! Stahp! Pls! You'll make me fall in love with you! No, but really, that's actually where both Naruto's "howdy" came from and my own! Before Undertale, I didn't use the greeting very often, but Asriel struck so many friggin cords with me that it just kind of stuck. This wasn't an intentional reference, but I guess it could count as one… meh. Here, haz a cookie! Also, I don't think that's where I 100% want my story to go. I have these little rules for myself and one of them is that any betrayal or treachery or whatever just doesn't happen. And before you ask, yes, I do consider Naruto killing his family to be those things.**

 _WTF, I laughed my ass off. I do admire the frenetic energy though. The fic's all over the place._

 **Indeed, it is. I use this story to get out any energy, ideas, and stuff like that. I am a chaotic bag of fun generally, so in order to not use that energy to do something stupid like most people, I try to channel it into my writing. Beyond that, I'm incredibly glad you enjoyed the story so far! I know my writing isn't the best ever, and I'm not the brightest around, but I am at my absolute happiest when I'm making someone laugh.**

 **With that out of the way, on to the story!**

 ** _THIS LINE EXISTS TO DISTINGUISH THE STORY FROM THE AUTHOR'S NOTES. FOR NO OTHER REASON ARE YOU READING THIS OTHER THAN TO FUFILL YOUR CURIOUSITY. I THINK. WHO KNOWS? MAYBE YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING IT BECAUSE YOU LIKE WASTING YOUR OWN TIME._**

 _CRACK!_

That was the sound of his collected calm, as it crashed into a thousand pieces, only to be set on fire by the piss of god. He knew this boring party wouldn't last. He just didn't know who it would be that would kick it up a couple notches.

"Pfft! Wow, subtle old timer, real subtle. Want to ask about my 'private time' habits too while you're at it?" This… This was too good. He didn't _love_ his family per say, but if they kept this up, he was sure he would.

"…" Absolute silence reigned supreme. Minato was stuck with a face redder than his wife's hair, most of the guests were trying to not bust a gut at both Minato and Naruto's response -and failing at that-, and the kids had a variety of reactions.

Naruto glanced around the room, taking in the results of his vulgarity, and came about quite proud of the results. Most everyone was either laughing at this point, without breath, or just disgusted. Though the only ones showing disgust were mixed in with other children,

Kiba didn't know how to react. He had met Naruto before, and had an unfortunate first meeting when he hit on him and used every pickup-line in his book when he thought that 'she' was a girl. If he wasn't as dense as he was, he would have noticed the laughter escaping the 'maiden' wasn't because Naruto thought it was endearing, but because he was making a fool of himself. Once he had finished trying to get Naruto to go on a date with him, he got annoyed that 'she' was still laughing, and started raging at 'her.' "What the fuck is your problem lady?! Stop laughing and tell me why you won't go out with me!" He remembered roaring. His answer came in the form of a 'great reveal' when Naruto decided 'she'd' had enough. In this great reveal, Kiba noticed that not only was this 'girl' showing him her sacred land despite all his pick-up lines failed - 'she must've been too entranced to accept my dates' he had foolishly thought at the time - until he noticed 'her' 'sacred land' was less a sacred land and more a terrifying mountain. From then on, Kiba decided he would stop going willy **-a pun in every chapter-** nilly trying to pick up people he never met. He also decided to be a bit more observant so he never had to deal with the embarrassment of the discovery again. He and Naruto never talked much after that. More due to Kiba's choice than Naruto's. His terrified face told Naruto exactly where his mind went, and paired with what his dad asked about, Kiba wanted to run away. He knew it.

Sasuke's first reaction would normally be "get the fuck outta here!" but his brain informed him that if he did that, his brother would reprimand him.

Shino had no reaction other than an eye-twitch. He didn't forget one of his few encounters with Naruto that involved glue, a knife, a chicken, a pinecone, a baby, and a baby pacifier. Neither his anus nor the baby's was ever the same. Oddly enough, the baby never cried… He suspected the baby was dead. After those events, he knew he had died on the inside.

Hinata had a nose-bleed and was promptly propelled into a wall, leaving her unconscious.

Neji was mortified and revolted at the vulgarity of someone with Naruto's status. He was also angry. He could work himself to the bone day after day for the rest of his life and he would never be more than a servant and he was expected to accept that with grace all the while someone born into the equivalent of royalty would goof around instead of taking his duties seriously!

Hanabi was disgusted by this rude boy that by some terrible twist of fate would grow to have more influence that herself if nothing was fixed.

Chōji didn't have much of a reaction. He was shocked for sure, but quickly accepted the situation and went back to stuffing his face full of chips.

Ino was mostly disgusted with Naruto for talking about… lustful habits… but an alternative part of her, her gossip queen side, cried about a story. The subject? "The Hokage's lack of thought and the heir of the Uzumaki clan's reaction to the interrogation of his sexuality." Her morbid curiosity forced her body into leaning closer to ensure she doesn't miss any details, and her mind already making plans to follow him around.

Shikamaru cracked a smile. He and Naruto weren't friends by any means, but when he was around, a grinning Shikamaru wasn't too far behind.

Mito however was a different story. At first she had a smirk pasted across her face when she heard her dad questioning her idiotic let-down of a brother but the moment he replied with his repulsive comment she knew things weren't gonna be going the way she would've liked.

Ah, he just loved days like this. When he could tease the people around him, make them blush, and all around make things awkward for everyone.

"But if it makes you feel better, then _no,_ I do not consumeth all of thine cockseth." (What the fuck am I even writing?) That got anyone who was still holding back to sputter. The absolute best shows of embarrassment were those belonging to his family. His mom was both ready to go ape-shit on him, but also looked relived that her son didn't play the catcher. His father was blushing up a storm and was glancing around. Obviously embarrassed. Though he didn't forget to appreciate his sister's reaction. She was lost. Part of her wanted to give a small smile and maybe even a chuckle, but the other wanted to look embarrassed due to the fact that when people thought of him they thought of her, and vise-versa, leading to embarrassment by association, and the last part wanted to smash his skull in for being a pervert on top of a freak.

"I'm a pitcher through and through, but not for just _one_ gender!" That killed them. They were dead. End of the story. You can leave now. Bye.

"What?!" That would be his fuming and offended mother, since his dad was about ready to faint.

"Oh come on now! You can't expect me to have _this_ kind of body and only play the left or right field!"

By this point Tsume was dying, Jiraiya was setting his book on fire with the friction of pen on paper, Tsunade looked ready to die in a way different from the Inuzuka matriarch, Orochimaru just stared blankly at the white haired brat, having dealt with his crap before, Chōza, Inoichi, and Shikaku were quietly staring into space, shocked that their leader's incompetence as a parent lead to this day, Shibi was dead inside since he was young, so there was that, and Itachi was watching to make sure nothing happened to Sasuke. Guess which Uchiha brother would produce an heir first? **(Hint: Not the obsessive one (Second hint: They're both obsessive, leaving the first hint useless.))** Through all of this, the head of the Hyūga clan was affronted. This boy was uncouth and seemed to know no boundaries on what was and was not socially unacceptable. Another possibility was that he did know and simply hadn't cared. He didn't know which was worse, but his younger daughter, Hanabi, better not get influence in any way!

"Naruto Namikaze-Uzumaki! It's one thing to be drawn to one or both sexes, it's another to be so ill-mannered!" Raged the she-devil who looked to be on a war-path. He knew that his fun would be ending soon if he didn't do something within the next couple of seconds. Good thing he planned a special conversation and deed incase this happened.

"Oh, did you think that's where it stopped?! Hohoho! I'll have you know I'm not picky about who I do it with either!" He knew. Oh he knew. After this fun little fiasco, his parents were gonna murder him into oblivion until he was so dead his skull would be raping his shin.

To… _emphasize…_ his point, he proceeded one very ill-fated personality and dragged them into his own personal play-pen of fun! That's what he called it anyways. Most people, the _normals…_ called it insanity though. Not that he knew why. He found it rather pleasurable!

In this particular instance, it was a fight to the death! Him and his victim- playmate were to battle it out in a war of wills! If he lost, chances were than the fun wasn't gonna be continuing. If he _won_ however… the fun didn't just continue, the fight got even more intense! Right up until the third and final battle, which usually involved actual bloodshed. The rules of the first and second stages of the fight were the same; the one with the stronger will won. but the third was entirely different. In the third battle, it was a case of who bled first. Generally, the only way to win was to be able to make the other person swallow your own blood which would be taken as a sign of acceptance, but since he noted he was the only one able to control his blood, giving him an advantage and therefore making the game less fun, the rules were changed up a bit from his original idea. In his altered version, he wasn't allowed to control his blood! Some parts of him didn't like the idea of being unable to use the blood, but in the end, the dream of having a fun game won out, which resulted in the ban.

Now that you know all of this, you probably wouldn't believe he's actually playing the game. After all, what part of that sounded like the most intense make out session ever?

Well, if you feel confused, then you're only feeling a quarter of the anxiety and disorder one unlucky (or lucky) Kiba Inuzuka is feeling! Kiba had few items on his bucket list and giving his first kiss to another guy was _not_ on the list. Sadly, for our little pup, the universe gave no fucks, and wasn't making an effort to find a fuck to give. So far, all he knew was that during this… _attack…_ he's had _something_ forced down his throat twice and that there was a strong taste of copper. It wasn't unusual to smell blood in a ninja village since some ninja would go on missions and not get chances to clean up before returning home, though they usually stay out of sight. However, it was wrong to smell blood on someone who was still an academy student since it usually meant that some kind of abuse was going on. But to _taste_ blood was wrong because it meant that A) someone was bleeding, and B) it meant your tongue was touching that person. So why was Naruto bleeding? Either way, there was far too much blood in his mouth and he'd swear on his own grave it wasn't his. This was getting ridiculous! While he was trying to push a kid barely half his weight off of him he had to fight the very same person's tongue! All while trying to keep all the blood as far to the front of his mouth as possible! At this point it was getting impossible to keep all the blood in, and he didn't even want to know why the half-jinchūriki was bleeding so much.

Meanwhile, the word shocked no longer fit as a description for the audience. It was more along the lines of flabbergasted. For the last few moments they could only stare. But after the shock had worn off, Kushina made a move to pry her lesser liked son off of the failing Inuzuka, only to sit right back down on her ass at the sight of blood outright exploding from the non-consensual kiss. Luckily for her, the 'kiss' was promptly ended as Naruto let his grip loosen and Kiba dived to the other side of the room. Marking the end of the fiercest make-out session anyone had seen in a long time (they're all fairly old, how much action do you imagine they're getting?) was a geyser of blood thinly trailing from Kiba and becoming larger as it creeped toward Naruto. Accompanying the visuals was the sound of panting from a breathless Kiba and a Cheshire grin toting Naruto.

The sidelines held Ino with a perverted smile spreading across her bloody face, a slowly standing Hinata who fell right back down, Hanabi with a look on her face that conveyed the feeling of a muddled question and disbelief, and one Mito Namikaze-Uzumaki who had the devil's shade of red spreading through her face while she stomped on a war path straight to her perverted brother. Accompanying the girls on the sidelines were Sasuke, Shino, Chōji, and Neji, who were all backing away or trying to hide behind someone else in case the crazed boy tried to have another 'fierce battle'. Shikamaru was grinning while trying to keep quiet. It was fun for him to meet someone who was all over the place. Naruto wasn't really unreadable or without pattern, he just went places others didn't. That was why he liked being around the androgynous psychopath.

Well, joining her daughter was one 'Red Hot Habanero' who, after picking herself up off the floor, was less than pleased that her own son was acting so… easy! She did _not_ raise him in such a way that he'd think it's alright to force himself on anyone! Nobody would ever find out if she found the irony in that statement, but legends say that she was still unaware to this day.

Our little masochist was busy reveling in his win while his mother and sister plodded towards him. It wasn't until Mito reached him and was winding up to whack him he moved into her guard.

"I told you, I'm not too picky about gender, but I guess I forgot to say I don't care who I do it with either~" Before the words were connected to the scene playing out by the minds of the viewers, Naruto rammed his lips onto one Mito Uzumaki's, the half-jinchūriki of the Kyūbi and his own sister.

Well… if shock, surprise, rage, or repulsion were enough to describe the rainbow of reactions, the words surely weren't now. Minato fainted once his mind caught up with what had been going on and his wife Kushina might as well have been struck so hard she went flying across the room. And absolutely everyone aside from Tsume and Itachi was dumbstruck into a mass group of retards. Tsume had finally figured out that anything Naruto does should just stop shocking her, Itachi's eyes were wide, Jiraiya recovered and was weeping over a pile of ashes that was once his book, and everybody else was silently staring in shock. Unless you were Shibi, in which case, you were just staring in general.

Mito had no words. Not that it would matter if she did considering her lips were occupied by her brother. That was something to think about. Her brother, the boy she had been picking on for so many years, had just kissed some mutt and was now stealing her own first kiss! She did her absolute best to ignore the warm squishy tongue in her mouth that didn't belong to her as she tried to shove her freak of a younger brother off of her. She was gonna murder him when she got a hold of her situation again! She didn't know how this could get worse, but the universe (*cough* Writer *cough*) would show her exactly how it could get worse in the form of a tongue and blood barreling their way down her throat.

Naruto couldn't help but have a grin on his face. He almost always had a grin ripping through his facial features, but now was a different grin. Not one of happiness or maliciousness, and not one of superiority. It was a grin that screamed two things. The teen's appearance yelled into the void "This is gonna have serious backlashes, and I'm gonna enjoy every bit of it!". It also spoke of his pleasure as he ran his tongue along his sister's warm and soft cheeks and grinded his tongue across the feisty girl's teeth. By doing this, he was cementing opinions in everyone's heads. An opinion he was aiming for. He was going to be graduating tomorrow with the rest of his class, so he was finally safe to be who he was. Who was he? What was he? He was Naruto Uzu-fucking-maki, and he was what he was! A freak, a psycho, a monster, a god, a prince, whatever it was you wanted to call him he was it, and proud of it!

As Mito Namikaze was s ent flying from her twin, the guests all just _stared._ It had been one thing to kiss another guy you didn't know too well since there were a lot of ninja that let off some steam through acts of the more sexual variety, and knew that the boy had probably been stressed out from the neglect from his parents plus whatever the villagers threw at him, but it was a new game entirely when he made a move on his sister of all people. People don't _ravish_ their abuser's lips unless there were circumstances like a trap… or a mental illness… that was another possible cause. Then there was the blood that was everywhere. Maybe in an attempt to get Naruto off of him, Kiba had bitten Naruto, but at the same time, perhaps Naruto had done it to himself? Without utilizing the Yamanaka signature jutsu or an admission, they couldn't find out. The problem with those options were that it wasn't a guarantee that Naruto or Kiba would tell the truth or even know what happened in the heat of the moment, and who knew what Naruto's reaction to having his mind sifted through would be. Regardless, it was obvious that some kind of therapy would be required at minimum, and at maximum, he gets his brain scanned and is dealt with accordingly.

Naruto gave out a giggle that a number of the guests couldn't help but think was cute as he turned around and walked out of the room to 'mingle'. Which was really just an accuse to eat heaps of sweets off the serving tables. He didn't need an excuse but he wasn't a goddamn Neanderthal! He had some level of class!

Minutes passed in silence as everyone recovered and/or thought of what was to happen next.

"Inoichi… remember how I said I didn't have the heart to send Naruto to your therapists?" Minato shot to the man sitting on his left a few seats down.

"I do." Inoichi replied after some seconds ticked by in the uncomfortable atmosphere.

"I changed my mind. Please come see me in my office tomorrow around noon."

"Understood."

 ** _HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I JUST SPENT LIKE A MONTH OR SO ON THIS GODDAMN SCENE AND IT HAS GOT ME SO PISSED I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE BEING A SMARTASS RIGHT NOW! I COMPLETED THIS SCENE IN LIKE FIVE BURSTS. THE FIRST HAVING THE MOST WORDS BEING PUT DOWN, BUT ABOUT JUST BEFORE NARUTO MADE OUT WITH HIS SISTER I GOT STUCK FOR OVER HALF A MONTH AND ONLY MADE LITTLE EDITS AND ADDED A COUPLE OF PARAGRAPHS EACH TIME I CAME TO BACK TO THE STORY!_**

"Bleh. Regret. I feel regret… Huegh!" As Naruto spewed last night's sweets all over the hallway floor, he hobbled to the bathroom using the wall as support. Today was the day they had their teams assigned to them at the academy and he didn't really want to be late.

Extending his arm for the handle, he felt his elbow crack, pop, and creak. He probably fell asleep on it last night. Well damn. Not much to be done about it. As he entered the white tiled room that held a sink, a toilet, a mirror, a window, some stools, a large variety of soaps, and a very large bathtub that wasn't really shaped or sized like a tub but more like a pool, he stumbled into the sink and held himself up. He would take a bath, brush his long white locks for a few minutes, then get dressed for placements. But first he had to clear his stomach of the remaining sweets turned sour.

Half an hour later and he was crawling out of the pool/bath in all of his feminine glory. His hair shined in the sunlight that pierced through the steam and his breath made miniature clouds. As he admired himself in the mirror, he grabbed his brush and sat on one of the taller stools so he could see his admittedly short stature in the mirror. He was pretty anal about having his center of attention on the center of a mirror at all times, so that meant raising himself so his hair was in the very middle of the mirror.

As he ran the needles of the brush along his scalp and down his hair that he had laying over his shoulder, he stared at his hair. He thought on its shade with an odd feeling. Part of him liked his white hair. It made him unique. If you were searching for him in a sea of people, you would spot his glossy white hair with little effort. Plus, white was such a clean and tidy shade or color, wasn't it? But then his mind wandered to when he had once been blond. It was a far cry from what it was now, so many shades away from what it once was. It was the color he was born with. He didn't mind difference though. It meant he had changed and evolved.

His scalp was starting to feel slightly painful, not that he could feel in his numb state.

His mind wandered to when his hair shifted from yellow to white. He had been very young at the time. He didn't remember the smaller details, but he knew he was visiting another clan heir for their birthday. The Yamanaka girl, Ino, was having a birthday party. He could only assume that Mito had been invited, but if he ever knew why he was there, he long since forgot. He didn't know what it was that had caught his attention all those years ago, but he vaguely recalled that it had been something cute. Being the curious, playful, and cuddly child he was, he giggled after the critter away from the lights of the party and into the darkness of the trees.

A small bit of red leaked from his scalp. The small wound would close on its own given time to rest, but if not, it would leave small droplets of water and blood to trail down Naruto's hair.

It had been a blur. Odd adults in cloaks stood in his way as the animal had scurried away behind them. They stood as if they had been waiting. Like they knew he would be attracted to the adorable fuzz ball that would ultimately lead him to their position.

He idly wondered if it had been someone in a Henge or if they used a genjutsu on the animal.

The abnormal people had made quick work of his still untrained mind and body, leaving him bound and gagged. His vision had faded, and when he awoke, he was surrounded by trees and fire. Probably torches, but then again, maybe not. As he had tried to shoot up, he had felt stinging rope drag him back down to a cold and bloody stone table. His heart raced as his cold skin was tickled by the teasing warmth of the surrounding flames. He was terrified.

Most of his hair was stained red by now, and his chest had thin precipitation and thick blood creating diluted trails down his thin stomach as droplets fell to the floor.

He didn't know where he was or where the robed people came from, but he did know that he didn't like all these people around him. They were speaking gibberish in sync with each other while raising some gnarled knife over him. In a grand voice, as if presenting some prized trophy, he remembered the hidden figure and spewed nonsense about awakening a great beast that laid within him. The bastard stabbed him. He didn't know where, and he could only assume why, but he knew that the bastard stabbed him. In an attempt to _change_ him. To _control_ his actions. To _make_ him do something that included beasts, bodies, souls, and blood. He had no idea what happened then, but he knew that was the moment when he made his first connection with his blood.

He slaughtered them. He never moved, but when his skin had been pierced, it didn't matter if he moved a mile or a millimeter, because his partner was like an angry beehive as it whipped around, leaving long gashes often around six inches deep in their bodies. When the torrent of blood settled down, he almost dead, covered in blood that was his and blood that was not, and was encircled by piles of blood, cloth, and meat. He still had no real control over the life giving force, and his face was that of horror, so he spent another few hours screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs. His tears had almost drowned him when his throat could no longer shriek for him. It wasn't until dawn's light started approaching that he calmed down enough to think. The Kyūbi had healed him for the most part by then, and would have completely healed if he wasn't busy repairing the boy's lungs every few minutes. He forced his mind to stop paying attention to the gore around him and thought about how to get out of his situation. Whatever that red whip like stuff had been, it seemed to respond to his distress, and spent another hour or so making odd noises and moving the only parts that weren't tied down. His hips. So essentially he ended up spending the next hour pelvic thrusting into the air while making weird noises, all the while making little puddles float and then fall back down. After a while, he noted that he was getting hungry, and made the uncomforting discover that if he wasn't quick about figuring out this blood thingy, he was gonna starve to death! In the beauty of evolution, the human 'Do or Die' response kicked in and after a bit of finagling experimentation, he figured out how to move the blood off of the ground and into the air. This still left the trouble of actually getting the ropes off of him. He couldn't cut the rope, so he did the next best thing. He soaked it. After a bit of laying around waiting for the rope to get super disgusting with congealed blood, he almost broke his wrist in attempts to rip his hands from the rope. He had succeeded, and started on his legs. Once his arms and legs had been freed, it was simple to wiggle from under the rope that strapped his 5-year-old chest to the large stone block. Once he got off the table, he landed in the squishy blood and dirt as he felt the gore sink into his skin between his toes and was instantly reminded of what he had done. He vomited. He didn't know what he was getting out of his system, but he was getting it out anyways. Well, getting on his hands and knees only gave the blood more access to his skin as he was soaked red. He didn't know where he was going, but he refused to stay in the clearing and ran straight once he stood up. He remembered he found a river and cleaned himself of the sticky yet drying fluids. He had ended up stuck in the woods until about the afternoon, which had sucked, and when he found the village, and was hit with a bolt of energy that sent him to his home. Over the following weeks, his hair's more vibrant color had started fading. As the color faded, he had grown in skill with what he had discovered was his own blood to ensure that no one else could ever force him to change.

His sight flickered to his body as he clicked his tongue. He had zoned out again. He didn't think he had enough time for another bath and proceeded to yank the lifeblood from his skin and directed it to a drain. He didn't know what time it was and he was excited to hear who his team mates were.

 **Fucking finally! This took forever, and I didn't want it to! So it took my five visits to this chapter to get through the first scene, and on my fifth visit, I slammed through the whole second scene in one six-hour night. Ugh. No sleep… again… bleh. On the upside, backstory! Now you have an idea as to why his hair is white despite all my references to him once having blond hair. Also, I'm tired, so I don't feel like going through the whole 6.2K chapter to spot any inconstancies, but I'm pretty sure I said his hair was light blond, so I think I messed up, but meh. I just wanted to get this chapter out already! Fucking crimeny! So I also wanted it to be pointed out that I was inspired to get this chapter out of the way because I got some ideas for the chūnin exams and want to implement them soon. I'm not gonna skip anything or super rush through stuff to get there, but you know. Meh. Hope you enjoyed! I'll probably go through the whole story in a few days to fix any mistakes like inconsistencies or grammar mistakes that Microsoft Word didn't pick up. By the way, I'm not 100% on who the teammates will, be but I'll be deciding soon enough. I want to hear who you think he'll be paired up with and why. Lastly, I regret I was stuck on this chapter for so long, and I wish I had done it faster, but I'm not sorry, so fuck you. Out of nowhere, I know, but I'm tired and it occurred to me how some people apologize for not updating or whatever. I'm here to say go eat horse shit if you expect me to say sorry. If you don't like it, too bad. If you want to be one of those guys who go "1v1 me bro! fite me! I got a Kill to Death Ration of 20! Oh, 2 spoopy 4 me!" I just want you to know I'll shove my foot so far up your ass it'll come out of your grandchild's mouth. I'm really fucking tired and cranky if you couldn't tell. It's like 5:46 A.M. on 8/5/2016 right now.**


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